I mentioned previously that I’d signed up for krav maga, having taken a liking to getting beaten up once a week. I even roped in my wife and some friends. By all accounts, the classes are good, focused, and with enough time, can build muscle memory that will help me out in a physical confrontation. You know, something that has literally never happened to me.

But after just two lessons, I got sick. I seethed over missing out on almost half of my monthly (and prepaid) membership. Yesterday, I showed up to class, only to realize I’d left all my gear locked in my office and had to cancel my class. I fumed to Jena over the phone as I stomped out. And after my anger subsided, I realized something.

I didn’t want to be there.

Yes, krav was fun every time I went, but… it wasn’t really me. The whole reason I took these classes was for a sense of betterment, but in the end, I enjoyed the 45 minute walk to get there more than I enjoyed the class itself. The walk felt familiar. Comforting. It was closer to the activity I actually miss, running, which I keep finding reasons to ignore. New York winters will do that.

This isn’t my first abortive attempt at self-improvement. I’ve tried drawing classes, writing classes, scriptwriting groups, board game groups, DnD groups, so on and so forth. It’s actually a miracle my Overwatch group has gone as long as it has (though this last console patch has made this difficult). I do these things from a desire to constantly be improving or bettering myself, even if it’s just at a game. Metaphorically and literally, I try to order things on the menu I’ve never had before, but sometimes, I order something I don’t end up liking and send back a nearly full plate. It’s disappointing, and a waste of money at times, but the hope is that the lesson was worth the price.

The thing is, I did prefer that walk over the conflict of Krav. And I realized I’d been making myself sick trying to finish something that didn’t fulfill me in the way I was looking for. I was looking for an outlet. What I got, unfortunately, was a chore. And I have a lot of those already: these blog posts, especially when I’m not feeling it, can feel more like a commitment than something I am looking forward to. It’s writing warm ups, something I should start my day with, but the requirement of it sometimes takes the fun out of it. And that can go double for Unlife when the next chapter is…

Omigod, this chapter ends NEXT WEEK?!?! AHHHHHH!!!!!

I guess the point is that I can’t make time for things that are making me crazy. I don’t have the time. None of us do. “Making time” should be reserved for things that fulfill you. That you want to do. So next time you start ordering something else on the menu, maybe just get the thing you love. And get through the meal before ordering 8 more courses.

I have since quit Krav, and gotten back into cardio, which feels much more like home. I don’t feel myself getting sick or feeling the queasy pressure of attending a class. Instead I just am, and this blog flowed out of me like I just had White Castle and a coffee (speaking of which, I should wrap up this blog, because I just had White Castle and a coffee). My colon commitment notwithstanding, I can’t say that I won’t repeat this process down the road, ordering some new mystery meat off the menu… but for the moment, it’s a relief to feel a little less like I just got my ass kicked.