Does anyone else struggle with the question “What would make you happy”?
It’s a silly question – as if one thing or event or action can unlock happiness’ door. But we all ask it anyway, and I’m no exception. Overall, I’m not happy most of the time – I’m too busy being dissatisfied. I can’t run as fast as I want. I can’t do everything that needs to be done. I try to remind myself of all the good versus obsessing over and trying to fix what is bad. But happiness only appears in these ephemeral beats. These periods I do not expect. And they’re gone the moment I realize they’re there.
The thing is, a lot of what used to make me happy is now less potent. Favorite video games or TV shows are the obvious things to point to. But certain meals, certain people, and certain choices now plague me versus the pride they provided before.
Instead, I find myself angry more than anything else. I’ve noticed a rise in righteous anger in general recently, which could explain why DBZ finally got a revival; righteous anger establishes a sense of control and order. That you’re right to be angry about how your people are treated, or how your government treats you. Happiness has taken a backseat to the search for sanity, which must be achieved at any cost. And sometimes that means screaming until your hair turns blue.
A lot of this blog has been screaming into the ether. Complaining about comic book movies, as if that makes the universe correct. And yet it establishes a camaraderie with like-minded people, letting them know they’re not alone. There’s a flicker of happiness in that idea; that the world’s crazy. Not you. A lot of why I write these is in search of that camaraderie, giving the comic a voice beyond the story itself.
The story does have a voice. A voice that feels like it’s faltering, begging its audience and characters to push forward. To believe that on the horizon, somewhere… there is happiness.
So I’ll continue to search for other forms of happiness, and part of that will be ending these blogs, at least for now. It’s been nice to write these and share my thoughts with you, but the truth is, writing them no longer makes me as happy as it once did. I’ll still be writing Unlife, which will be beginning chapter 8 shortly.
Maybe I’ll come back after a substantial recharge, having found that what I was looking for was here all along. Maybe I’ll find it somewhere else, and this will be my last blog post. Maybe I’ll still be searching long after Unlife concludes.
But like James and company, I believe we all owe it to ourselves to keep looking.